of little faith

I made this in photography class today.

I am not well. For the following reasons: I am forever behind on work. I do not spend enough time praying or sleeping. I have been watching Law and Order SVU in my spare time (90% of it). I'm angry and bitter and cold hearted. I eat what I want, not what is good for me. I care more about what people think of me who don't like me than those who do. 

Because of these things, I hate myself. 

I hate myself more for my inability to change. Oh how I've begged God to let me change, to change me, to help me, make me change.

And it all stays the same. 

See, it makes me so angry that here I sit, crunched up on my bed, writing all these things, pitifully sharing how I "can't change", when no, that's not true. It's because I don't change. Why? WHY. 

I picture this version of myself, this better and more whole and healthier version of me. And I can't get there because there's too much bad, not enough better. Because I feel helpless, I feel weak. I am weak. 

So what do I do? How? 

12:46am, April 10th, 2013.

I've been sifting through Donald Miller's blog, and the blogs of a few college friends, in desperate search of something to inspire me to get through the rest of this week. And I return to this photo of carnations (fun fact, carnations are my favorite). And they are so beautiful. In this photo especially, not because it is my creation, but simply because they are beautiful, simply and fantastically, without effort. Look closely, every edge is clear in focus. 

And I am reminded, by the grace and truth of God, that what he does for the flowers of the field, he is also doing in me. 

Growth. 

And blog after blog, there is nothing more convicting that the promises of the savior. Because as I despair, as I groan over my growing addiction to television shows, as I fret about my habits, I hear the still small voice say, Why are you worrying? Will all this add a single moment to your life? But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 

Me, of little faith. 

Will he not much more clothe me?

I ask that you pray for me, to have some grace for myself, and to be attentive to what God is saying to me, and how he is working and changing me.