It's 10:58pm, EST, and I'm sitting on my bed (in NH, 'home') "attempting", we'll call it, to clean my room. It's strange- I don't live here, but I do. I also no longer live at Gordon, but I did, and will...it's crazy. Time is the crazy thing- I found my gameboy color earlier this evening (magenta, with heart stickers, with my Little Mermaid pinball game inside). To avoid unpacking my life (but actually) I sifted through some baby/toddler photos of myself. I wish so much that I could have known myself as a toddler. Firstly, because I was adorable, and I just want to hug me. But also to see what I was like. I see photos of myself making faces like this:
and I want to know what happened, who said what to provoke this face (fun fact, I am pretty sure I still make this face now). I want to look my little self in the eyes (big blueberry eyes) and tell her who to look out for, what potholes to swerve away from. But all in the same, I'm glad it doesn't work that way. Because this little gap-toothed giggling squinty eyed rosy cheeked toddler was me, and became me in this moment. All faults and failures and triumphs. Every second has constructed myself, this complicated and ridiculous human being.
I am a senior in college.
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